Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Reflections.
SELF-AWARNESS and SELF-ESTEEM. Self-awareness is the thorough understanding of ourselves and our values while Self-esteem is our convictions of our self-worth and value. This is very important in today's society where many teenagers like me, just are "aware" of their bad points, but never really able to decipher the positive ones about themselves.
After the discussion of these values, I found out that I had a better understanding of myself. It was the self-evaluation worksheets that really make me think hard on whether I am true to myself or am I just putting on a mask every where I go. Yes, I do think of myself as "sensible", "serious", "thoughtful, and etc. But the one that I was very sure to put a number three was the one on "Depressed". Right now I am going through alot of problems in my life. With my family, friends and in relationships. I have never really ever come into terms with what I am truly stressed about as I am afraid once I do, I would just crumble down, unable to accept what's going on. To overcome this, I just wear a mask to school everyday, pretending to be a happy and carefree person. When I share my problems with others, they would think I am joking, or that it is not important at all. But yes, I have come to terms that I am "depressed", but it would take long until I can fight the great sea of mine.I am able to overlook these negatives about me, and see the positives. Those I gave three points to myself, really boosted my self-morale. I feel proud that I have good values about myself and really made me aware of my self-being.
Doing the evaluation of "self-esteem", I was rated in the "Healthy" column. Amazing but true, because I truly know that I have very low self-esteem. I do not have the guts to just go talk to people, volunteer myself and all. There were a few descriptions on those with low self-esteem, and I categorize myself as those in the "Doormat" group. I've become self-aware of myself that I always find it hard to accept people's requests, like "a sin" to say no, as intepreted by Ms Diana. I always want to help people hoping that they would accept me, like more into "trading for friends". That's why I find it hard to make new friends. But thankfully after coming to Ngee Ann Polytechnic, I have found a bunch of friends who really accept me for who I am. And here they are!! 
There are many factors that affects my self-image and self-esteem. When I was small, I was really like held as a "captive" in my house and never really had the chance to hang out with those in the neighborhood. I think this had led to what I am today. There are also many things that can affect my self-esteem, such a not acheiving the results of something I really want, or just being embarassed or insulted. Some people just find me weird, like, I am an alien to them. A species that cannot survive together. Many people will tend to say or insult me about my character and behaviour, as if it is my fault I behave that way? But that is just me. I'm beginning to adapt the "don't like don't care" attitude. Or sometimes, I would not want the person to really communicate with me or else he or she may see certain characters about me and thus maybe if I hide, they would always have a good impression of me. But I know that this way towards dealing with these remarks will not go a very long way.
At first, these things usually would have a great impact on me. I would ask myself, why? Why would they do this to me? Why did I fail? But after awhile, I learnt how to deal with it. Instead of why, the questions now turn to why not? Why not insult me? When I have in possesion many thing they do not have? Why not fail? When I have learnt another way not to fail. Sometimes, I would brush these comments aside. This is because it is most important what I think about myself, and not perceptions from others.
Five years from now, wow, thats quite hard to think about, but I want to be someone different. Someone with the confidence both inside and outside. I still want people to think I am that carefree and always happy person. But other than that, I want to be looked up upon, for being a role model. I want people who have the same problems as me, to break free from all those troubles, to become strong and steady. I would have the self-esteem that would be totally different from today, 1 May 2008. I would also hope that people would no longer talk bad about me and if they do, they would have the guts to just do so in my face rather than being a coward and talking behind my back. Just watch up!
5 Years from now! I would no longer be afraid to go up and talk to people. I want to be free of worries, no longer "depressed" of things that's going on, and that is because I am going to solve every single problem, one way or another - because you can run, but you cannot hide. I will no longer wear that mask anymore in order what I want to be 5 years from now. I want to throw away those bad habits of mine! No more late sleeping! Honestly, sleeping everyday at 4am is really getting on my nerves. Treat my parents nicer, for I am almost shouting everyday because of them nagging at me. But I know they feel hurt when I do so, it's going to be hard because I have tried, but will try again.
Just watch out. 1825 more days to go.
Episode ended at 11:54 PM | PERMALINK
